Dear Adam Lindsay

Hi, you probably don't remember me. I'm the girl who was really shy in college. You don't remember me, huh? Yep you were popular with the ladies. Wait did you actually count them? No, don't tell me. I don't want to know. Next... next you're going to tell me it was the hair and the guitar. You told me! "A lot of girls dig my hair and I play the guitar," you said. That's what you said. Really. You told me you broke your arm in middle school playing football and figured a safer way to get girls was to play the guitar. Umm, I think I laughed at you. Oh right, and the girls were lining up for kisses. No, actually Nacolyn told me about your proclivities. You had to talk to your bishop about it or something. She was the greatest. Ha! You remember. Superlatives were her favourite. I can't believe I haven't even tried to stay in touch with her. Actually she introduced us. Yes she did. We went on that overnight hike down in some mesa. Owl or something. Do you remember? You were the most obnoxious person I had ever met. Fascinating and Vibrant? That's not the same as obnoxious. You were the most reckless driver too. Oh wait, we met before. Hold on while I remember. The marriot center. You squeezed in beside me at a devotional and I didn't even know you. And you wouldn't stop talking to me, to my roommate beside me, to the person behind you, to the air. You even spelled your name with your finger on my back when I tried to ignore you. Yeah, you did that. Don't even try.... You made people move so you could have the seat next to me. No, I thought you were outrageous. Later you drove Nacolyn, me, and that Indigo Girl... she was not gay. I only called her that because she kept begging you to play Land of Canaan. You did play it, like a million times. Okay, just three times. How'd you know she was in love with you? Well, she confessed it to me. Later. I was at her dorm. She couldn't find her leotard. Ballet, PE credit. It was in the laundry. The leotard, and the pink tights. She was sniffing them. To see if they were fresh, I guess. That's when she confessed. Right, she loved you because of the guitar! Stop smirking. Fine. You're right it was the guitar. Why'd you bring a guitar backpacking anyway? Oh, so you drove us all to Owl mesa for an overnight. You practically killed us, you were such a careless driver. You were not careful! You drove in the middle of a two lane unlit highway at night to cut corners and save gas. You said you were saving gas. You said that. I can't believe you still don't remember me? You locked the keys in the trunk and we were stuck in some po' dunk town in southern Utah on Presidents day with no money? Our wallets were in the trunk! With the key, you klutz. This was, like, twelve years ago. It was valentines day too. Come on, you've got to remember. You adjusted your rear view mirror so you could stare at me in the back seat. You did. I saw you fix the mirror. You were so staring. You never watched the road. Nacolyn kept yelling "Stay in your lane Adam!" Well I hated it. I hate it when people stare at me. I don't mean you liked- you treated me like some sort of curious insect. Anyhow, that's why we almost died. Huh? Why didn't we ever kiss? I don't know, I might have done it. Well probably not. Yes, despite the hair and the guitar. Stop smirking. No, I wont kiss you now. Gosh, we never even hung out. Oh yeah, I saw you around campus all the time. Stalking you! That is so laughable. I was a scared of you. Well as I remember it you would just appear while I was trying to study in the library. You would start conversations in the middle, or grab my shoulders suddenly. Of course I screamed. There was this one time I was walking outside the library with my boyfriend and you attacked me. Yeah you did. You did so! You grabbed me by my shoulder straps and demanded $13 for gas. You shook me by my shoulder straps. People...it was crowded because of the construction but the space all around us was empty. People were avoiding us. Who, Jim? Oh he just stood there. Well he wasn't exactly my boyfriend. Well, not then at least. He was about to be my boyfriend. Like the next day. I don't remember. Of course I kissed him. Not enough to necessitate a talk with my bishop, you hypocrite. Yeah, so you shook me until my wallet fell out of my pocket then you took my money and you ran. Oh it's funny now. So wait it gets better. You came back and made a huge deal of giving me change. You ran back through the crowd shouting my name, counted out each dollar, gave me a math lesson, called me a silly wigeon for making a mistake, patted my cheek. I'm serious. You are the kind of person who would make a scene. Ha, once you told me that you wanted to blast Ode to Joy on your wedding night. Ah, let me think. The Wilk. I had bitten off half a popsicle and Nacolyn had just asked, doesn't that hurt your teeth? She was always talking about the right way to eat things. She hated that I ate the middle of my cinnamon roll first. It drove her crazy. She was all for savouring each bite and I was always impatient and pretty gross. Yeah, so your honeymoon announcement did come out of nowhere, sort of. That's what I've been trying to say. You are flamboyant. Ah, okay, that word is better. Flamboyant isn't gay. But you do mess with people. You do so. You make people uncomfortable. You make us feel like plebeians. Like fools. You thrive on it. You're a performance artist. I don't know why we never kissed. You would have made me regret it anyway. Well, it's too late now. Yes, I am married. I do love him. He's... he's everything. Well you're nothing like him. Nope. Not a chance. Not interested. Okay, well say hi to Nacolyn for me. Oh. Wait. Hold up. Come back. Please. Yes, I am begging. You jerk. Anyhow, I just wanted to thank you for giving me all those books. I'm sorry I never got past page one of Pilgrim at Tinker Creek. I've heard it's great. Yeah you told me already. Well, I'm going to try again. Hey, Do you still unload books on strangers? That's how you "woo women folk" these days? You know you talk funny. Sure, I still have Thoreau's Essays. A few times. You want it back? No way. Stop making a scene you boar. No I wasn't trying to be funny. Honest. Ha ha, Mr. English Major. But, you gave them to me. Who said anything about Indian Givers? I'm not a racist. Don't call me a racist. It doesn't matter you're not getting them back. They're mine. No! I will not kiss you.