Bumper Stickers

In California people drive shiny cars. They don't generally decorate them with stickers. Even though I think bumper stickers are dumb (Don't put a fine print sticker on your bumper if you don't want me to tailgate you; and no I don't care about your honour student, or your dog that's smarter than my honour student, why can't we just coexist?, oh and FYI Bush was elected 10 years ago and that joke is only funny one time.), there's something alluring about them. I wish I could have taken a picture of the one I saw at the grocery store years ago. It was on a flashy yellow sports car and it said: Don't worry, my treasure is in heaven. Now isn't that classic. I wonder how much the value of that car dropped? $10,000?

I almost got run over by a bike!

Here's something that bothers me... cyclists who don't think stop signs apply to them.

Now I realize coming to a full stop is difficult on a bike, I mean you kind of have to plan for it a few yards ahead. And we all know bikes aren't stable when stationary; you have to put your feet down or fall down. Really a cyclist in full regalia would look even more ridiculous lying on the pavement. Plus there's the whole inertia problem. Nor is it easy to pick up speeds of 40mph if you have to stop at every other block. So, of course if you're going to obey traffic signals and get to work on time you might as well join the plebes and drive!

Street Fighter II

The other day... I was walking.

I was pushing a double stroller. My son sitting in the front and my daughter standing in the back. We were waiting to cross the street at the base of a bridge. There were signs posted which tell drivers to stop for pedestrians. No one was stopping.

Two people, a man and a woman, ride up beside me on their bikes. They wait with me. Finally we just commit to the road and hope cars will stop. The bikers ride slowly along side me. The man explains he's protecting me from traffic. I laugh. One car doesn't stop, but tries to drive slowly around our group. And my hero yells, "Watch the babies!" He's stops, dismounts, and puts up his hands and shouts "Watch the babies!"

Triumph. I'm not the only one shaking my fist at intersections.

Street Fighter I

So the other day... I was walking.

Our destination was the park. The neighbourhood was rural. My son was in a stroller and my daughter and her friend were walking in a loose formation around me. We were crossing the road at a sort of Y intersection. Because the road is 3 car lanes wide, and because pushing a stroller* often involves navigating along a less direct route, we were in the middle of the road for a long time.

Now here is were my tale begins.

An old sports car rolls slowly past the stop sign and proceeds drive by me and my children. Yes it's a huge road and the car is moving slowly, but we're still in the middle of the road and we're pretty spread out and three of us are under the age of 5 (read small and fast and irrational). Naturally I morph into mama bear. So I stop, face the car, and hold out my hands.

I shout, "Stop your car."

The driver shouts, "Yes I see there are children."

Incredulous, I shout again. "So stop your car!"

"What are you doing in the middle of the road!" he accuses me.

"Just stop your car, we're crossing the street." I shout, while he glides past me.

"What are you? The babysitter?" He demands, like he's going to find my employer and squeal on me for ... overprotectiveness. Is he trying to add insult to injury?

"These are my children." I reply, mentally anexing my daughter's friend; they could pass for twins. "Stop your car when people are in the street!" I shout one last time. But he's gone and doesn't hear. And I have to explain to three wide eyed children why I lost my temper. The rule is no yelling or fighting unless a bigger person is hurting you, or scaring you. I think this qualifies.


After I've smoothed my wild hair, taken a deep breath, and smiled reassuringly at my children I start to wonder if maybe I overreacted. Maybe I should read How to Win Friends and Influence People. Or maybe that guy should have come to a full stop and waited. What was his rush anyway?

I like this

I like the article of page 24 of the U.S. News & World Report (August 2010, vol. 147/7): A Town's Health Makeover.
The walking bus program is fabulous. What would it take to get something like that in my neighbourhood? Can Dan Burden come design sidewalks in my city? I'd like to know more about this blue zone project. What is the median income and racial demographic of communities chosen to pilot the program? How does healthful living impact the local and global economy? Could something like this work on a gigantic scale, like in L.A.? Do people miss the donuts, the french fries, the soda? Why, exactly, are people thrilled to add 3.5 years to their life? It comes at the end, when you're ready to die; isn't it too abstract to throw a party over? Where does that number come from anyway? Do the "motivational workshops" seem scary and dystopian to anyone? Who is opting out? Are they being treated nice? What are the nay sayers saying?
Bravo Dan Buettner- I'm gonna read your book. The Blue Zones.

On Walking: Stopping Traffic

Now that I don’t drive, I walk through parking lots. Not to be subversive or to reclaim public space- although the notion appeals to me. It’s just convenient, and often there is no alternative. Unfortunately it’s not always safe.

A little while ago I was crossing through a busy convergence spot at a nearby shopping center (is there a name for this kind of place?). It was just outside of a Home Depot, which should give you an idea of how congested the area is. I waited, like a good citizen, for my turn. On the way through the intersection my daughter dropped her donut. She cried for it. I stopped. Pedestrians do stuff like spontaneously stop to pick up donuts if we drop them, it’s gross but that’s not the point. If a car stops suddenly the passengers get whiplash. Pedestrians can be erratic and free, that’s why drivers hate and fear us.

Anyhow, I stopped. My daughter moved away from me to reclaim her donut. I should mention that traffic was still coming at us from four directions. I stepped in front of a moving van and commanded it to stop with my outstretched hand while my daughter gathered the donut. Children never do anything quickly, so I understand why the driver was impatient. Then while I was still engaged with the van, a truck coming from the opposite direction thought it could squeeze past my double stroller where my son was sitting licking chocolate icing off his fingers. I had to rush in front of that truck with both hands up and shout “Stop”, before the driver, who was glaring incredulously at me, ceased to inch forward. Both these vehicles could have blissfully run down my children.

Do they believe we’re invincible, that it won’t hurt if they tap us at 5 miles an hour? Or do they think that because we are not cars we have no right to occupy space in a parking lot? Do they know what it’s like to have no where else to walk? When they emerge from the car, do they not expect their safety to be respected either?

I was still indignant when we got home, and even now recalling events I'm feeling a out of temper.

I’ve been a driver, and I’ve hated the stupidity of pedestrians, and other drivers too. I know I was in the wrong; I should have left that stupid donut in the dust. But surely it wasn’t right for grown men to continue driving their vehicles toward a mother with two children no matter the context. If we were crossing at a traffic signal their actions would have been illegal. If we were on a residential street crossing to the playground they would have given us at least 20 courtesy feet- because pedestrians are unpredictable and vulnerable. It's not okay to drive through us.

Dear Mr. Neff

Hi. I noticed you left a comment on my reading journal. Thank you. I can't stop smiling about it. Umm, just in case it wasn't obvious from my comments- I like your books. I recommend them to everyone. But I do think they're inappropriate for children under 12. My daughter loves your drawings. I'm looking forward to book three. Now what I really want to know, and I'm afraid to ask because you seem like a genuinely nice person... did you actually leave a comment on my book journal? or was there an army of publicists involved? Anyhow, I'm amazed, thrilled, chagrined all at the same time.

Best wishes,
Sheri

Funny License Plate

The following statement is the sole opinion of the person who owns the car:

Don't pray in my School

And I wont think in your church

I walked past this car everyday for two months and every time I laughed out loud. Truly. It's genius. I almost forget to be offended. Actually I'm not even fazed. It's just unfortunate I can't think of a come back. It's been six months and I still feel like that girl who gets left standing with her mouth open.

Happy Birthdays

My father's birthday postcard got lost in transit. I love my post cards. They are precious, I've been collecting since I was a girl so... it's heartbreaking when one disappears. And Dad- I love you. Happy Birthday.

The post cards are for: Gideon, Grm Snow, Julie, Kim

Dear Adam Lindsay

Hi, you probably don't remember me. I'm the girl who was really shy in college. You don't remember me, huh? Yep you were popular with the ladies. Wait did you actually count them? No, don't tell me. I don't want to know. Next... next you're going to tell me it was the hair and the guitar. You told me! "A lot of girls dig my hair and I play the guitar," you said. That's what you said. Really. You told me you broke your arm in middle school playing football and figured a safer way to get girls was to play the guitar. Umm, I think I laughed at you. Oh right, and the girls were lining up for kisses. No, actually Nacolyn told me about your proclivities. You had to talk to your bishop about it or something. She was the greatest. Ha! You remember. Superlatives were her favourite. I can't believe I haven't even tried to stay in touch with her. Actually she introduced us. Yes she did. We went on that overnight hike down in some mesa. Owl or something. Do you remember? You were the most obnoxious person I had ever met. Fascinating and Vibrant? That's not the same as obnoxious. You were the most reckless driver too. Oh wait, we met before. Hold on while I remember. The marriot center. You squeezed in beside me at a devotional and I didn't even know you. And you wouldn't stop talking to me, to my roommate beside me, to the person behind you, to the air. You even spelled your name with your finger on my back when I tried to ignore you. Yeah, you did that. Don't even try.... You made people move so you could have the seat next to me. No, I thought you were outrageous. Later you drove Nacolyn, me, and that Indigo Girl... she was not gay. I only called her that because she kept begging you to play Land of Canaan. You did play it, like a million times. Okay, just three times. How'd you know she was in love with you? Well, she confessed it to me. Later. I was at her dorm. She couldn't find her leotard. Ballet, PE credit. It was in the laundry. The leotard, and the pink tights. She was sniffing them. To see if they were fresh, I guess. That's when she confessed. Right, she loved you because of the guitar! Stop smirking. Fine. You're right it was the guitar. Why'd you bring a guitar backpacking anyway? Oh, so you drove us all to Owl mesa for an overnight. You practically killed us, you were such a careless driver. You were not careful! You drove in the middle of a two lane unlit highway at night to cut corners and save gas. You said you were saving gas. You said that. I can't believe you still don't remember me? You locked the keys in the trunk and we were stuck in some po' dunk town in southern Utah on Presidents day with no money? Our wallets were in the trunk! With the key, you klutz. This was, like, twelve years ago. It was valentines day too. Come on, you've got to remember. You adjusted your rear view mirror so you could stare at me in the back seat. You did. I saw you fix the mirror. You were so staring. You never watched the road. Nacolyn kept yelling "Stay in your lane Adam!" Well I hated it. I hate it when people stare at me. I don't mean you liked- you treated me like some sort of curious insect. Anyhow, that's why we almost died. Huh? Why didn't we ever kiss? I don't know, I might have done it. Well probably not. Yes, despite the hair and the guitar. Stop smirking. No, I wont kiss you now. Gosh, we never even hung out. Oh yeah, I saw you around campus all the time. Stalking you! That is so laughable. I was a scared of you. Well as I remember it you would just appear while I was trying to study in the library. You would start conversations in the middle, or grab my shoulders suddenly. Of course I screamed. There was this one time I was walking outside the library with my boyfriend and you attacked me. Yeah you did. You did so! You grabbed me by my shoulder straps and demanded $13 for gas. You shook me by my shoulder straps. People...it was crowded because of the construction but the space all around us was empty. People were avoiding us. Who, Jim? Oh he just stood there. Well he wasn't exactly my boyfriend. Well, not then at least. He was about to be my boyfriend. Like the next day. I don't remember. Of course I kissed him. Not enough to necessitate a talk with my bishop, you hypocrite. Yeah, so you shook me until my wallet fell out of my pocket then you took my money and you ran. Oh it's funny now. So wait it gets better. You came back and made a huge deal of giving me change. You ran back through the crowd shouting my name, counted out each dollar, gave me a math lesson, called me a silly wigeon for making a mistake, patted my cheek. I'm serious. You are the kind of person who would make a scene. Ha, once you told me that you wanted to blast Ode to Joy on your wedding night. Ah, let me think. The Wilk. I had bitten off half a popsicle and Nacolyn had just asked, doesn't that hurt your teeth? She was always talking about the right way to eat things. She hated that I ate the middle of my cinnamon roll first. It drove her crazy. She was all for savouring each bite and I was always impatient and pretty gross. Yeah, so your honeymoon announcement did come out of nowhere, sort of. That's what I've been trying to say. You are flamboyant. Ah, okay, that word is better. Flamboyant isn't gay. But you do mess with people. You do so. You make people uncomfortable. You make us feel like plebeians. Like fools. You thrive on it. You're a performance artist. I don't know why we never kissed. You would have made me regret it anyway. Well, it's too late now. Yes, I am married. I do love him. He's... he's everything. Well you're nothing like him. Nope. Not a chance. Not interested. Okay, well say hi to Nacolyn for me. Oh. Wait. Hold up. Come back. Please. Yes, I am begging. You jerk. Anyhow, I just wanted to thank you for giving me all those books. I'm sorry I never got past page one of Pilgrim at Tinker Creek. I've heard it's great. Yeah you told me already. Well, I'm going to try again. Hey, Do you still unload books on strangers? That's how you "woo women folk" these days? You know you talk funny. Sure, I still have Thoreau's Essays. A few times. You want it back? No way. Stop making a scene you boar. No I wasn't trying to be funny. Honest. Ha ha, Mr. English Major. But, you gave them to me. Who said anything about Indian Givers? I'm not a racist. Don't call me a racist. It doesn't matter you're not getting them back. They're mine. No! I will not kiss you.

I wonder

Are feminists insulted when people call them viragos?

Would a feminist trick their daughter into watching Shera Princess of Power instead of ThunderCats because Shera is a girl and therefore superior to cats?

I do mean to complain

It seems to me that just when we're going to do something really fun all together the weather turns foul or a child gets sick. It's no fair!

What I need to become a mad scientist

• the hair
• the lab coat
• the smoking erelenmeyer flask
• the manical laugh
• the deionized water on tap
• the sinsister plot to overthrow the world economy
• some credentials

ah, there's the rub.

Dance with the yellow flowers

The great thing about walking for fun is that it's free. And I'm poor.

While walking I can pretend I'm a romantic poet. The similarities stop right there.

I wonder

is it just me or does Sarah look like a superhero? If I get new glasses can I look like a superhero too?

I wonder

If I were to wash my dishes by hand for a month, how would my life change?

I wonder...

What impact does 100,000,000 Americans blow drying their hair every day have on global warming?

How would you even calculate something so ridiculous ...err multidimensional?
How much would the government pay someone to punch out a number?
What units would the number be in?